Nobody tells Harold Brownlow he can't get what he wants.
Those City Hall assholes are a bunch of blowhards!
I don't understand why
we can't get a cab like normal people.
Hilary dear,
you don't get as rich as I am by giving money away to cab drivers.
Besides, our hotel is just at the other end of this alley.
You're such a cheapskate.
Come on, woman.
Whoa!
Watch your step!
Harold, I don't like this place.
It smells bad.
Jesus, it's a 100 yards.
Hold your nose or something.
Harold?
Huh?
Boy! You're a big son of a bitch, ain't ya?
Hilary. Call a cab.
Harold!
Hoy-hoy!
Eat this!
Hi-ya!
Son of a bitch!
Stay down!
Automated defense protocol initiated.
Yeah!
Ya!
Burn in hell, ninjas!
No!
Damn you, Akumu!
Damn you!
Okay. Let's do this.
I am here with Governor Atkins
outside Pompadour's International circus
as it prepares for a midnight performance tomorrow night,
in aid of the city's homeless
and organized by the Governor himself.
Good morning, Governor, and thank you for joining us.
My pleasure Dolly, as always.
Governor, what do you say to your critics
who say this humanitarian gesture of yours
is simply a smokescreen designed to mask
some of your more puritanical policies?
The tabloids can call me a puritan if they so wish.
Ah-ha!
But it's just a reactionary insult
due to my zero tolerance stance
on anti-social behavior.
I'm referring to the abuse of alcohol in our society.
Someone has to put their head
above the parapet, Dolly.
Which is why under my tenure as Governor,
I will be seeking to restrict the opening times of bars
and nightclubs together with limits on the sale of alcohol.
If that makes me a Puritan, then so be it.
Remember, only together,
can we make this world a better place.
I'm ready when you are.
Fuckin' clowns.
All of 'em.
Hey!
You been shooting the appliances again?
- Give us a kiss! - Must be the roaches.
They've started packing heat.
Any damage and I'm adding it to your rent!
Which is now overdue, by the way.
You'll get your money, Gussman.
Now get out of my face.
You Goddamn pervert!
Give us a kiss!
Hey, hero.
Spare some change for an old vet?
You again?
Here's a quarter.
Buy yourself some pants and Binaca spray.
This man bothering you, sir?
Ha!
Who's asking?
Name's Koslowski, sir.
Captain Schitt sent me to meet you.
I'm your new partner.
Oh, Jesus.
Do you have any words of wisdom for a rookie like me, sir?
Sure. Work hard. Eat your greens.
And never stick your dick in a mangle.
Wait! What?
Yeah!
Jesus H. Christ on a hippity-hop.
What the hell is going on in this city?
That's the twelfth disappearance in as many weeks.
At least this time we have a witness, sir.
If she ever comes round.
Shit! Not again!
Goddamn it! Where the hell is Steel!?
Um, I think he's breaking in that
new partner you sent him, sir.
Hmm. I wonder how that's working out?
Probably quite badly.
Son of a bitch!
Can I just say it's a real honor to work with you, sir.
Okay, let's get one thing straight, kid.
I don't like you.
Who the fuck is this guy?
And before you start,
it's not because you're a rookie or any of that crap.
The fact is I don't much like anybody.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this tough exterior
is just my way of...
breaking in a new partner
and that after a while, the bickering
and mutual dislike of each other
will turn into admiration,
and who knows, maybe even respect.
Well, I got news for you, Butthorn.
That ain't gonna happen, you hear me?
Sweet baby Jesus!
I'm a maverick, renegade,
loose cannon... - Look out!
...lone wolf cop on the edge.
Who doesn't play by the rules
and I work alone!
- Got it? - Uh-huh.
Oh, and it's probably a good idea
to get your affairs in order. - Huh!
Say goodbye to loved ones and so forth.
My partners don't exactly have a long shelf life
if you know what I mean.
Oh!
Don't do drugs.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Anyway, enjoy the ride!
Yeah!
So. We clear?
Uh-huh!
Steel!
What the hell were you thinking?!
Do you have any idea how much damage you caused?
More than a little but less than a lot?
Have you read this?!
"Beleaguered Police Captain Jack Schitt
about as much use as a chocolate condom!"
That's harsh. And a little racist.
You're lucky I don't assign you to desk duties!
Come on, Captain. The last time I picked up a pen
it was to stab a rapist in the nut sack!
I mean it, Steel! You're this close to being gone.
- On what grounds?! - Listening to hair metal
in that souped-up penis extension of yours
and really shitty driving!
What the hell happened to you? You used to be one of us!
Out there kicking ass and taking names!
Now you just sit behind that desk
sticking pencils up your ass!
I do not stick pencils up my ass!
And Koslowski!? I mean, come on!
How many partners is that!?
The kid just wasn't ready for the mean streets!
Steel, he shot himself.
Damn rookies!
This lone wolf bullshit of yours has gone on long enough.
You will work with a partner even if it kills me!
- Shit. - The whole precinct
threatened to walk out if I tried to partner you
with any more of them so I've had to go further afield.
You have a choice, a Swedish female recruit
from the cultural exchange program,
a hyperactive monkey called Mr. Giggles,
or the office cheese plant! Your call!
This is fuckin' stupid.
Okay, I'll work with a partner
if you go one round of "face or balls".
Damn it, Steel! I don't have time for this shit!
Face or Balls.
Okay.
It'll have to be face.
My wife is starting to wonder why my balls are blue.
Yeah!
Okay, Steel. Pick a partner!
I guess I'll go for the Swedish broad.
You can send her in now.
Hi, welcome to the team.
No Chuck, that's Gloria, my new secretary.
That's your new partner.
Oh!
Huh?
I work alone!
Steel, say hello to Officer Ingrid Klutz.
Is the monkey still an option?
Nope.
Hello?
Yes.
Yeah? Well, fuck you, too!
That was the hospital.
Billionaire industrialist, Harold Brownlow
disappeared last night
and his wife was chased into oncoming traffic.
Seems she's regained consciousness.
This is serious, Steel.
Brownlow was a personal friend of the Governor.
That guy's a Goddamn lizard!
Damn it, Steel!
I am not in the mood for your another one
of your paranoid conspiracy theories
about how the world is being run by shape shifting
Illuminati lizards from another dimension!
Do you hear me?!
You'll be sorry. Mark my words.
Get your ass over to the hospital
and get the wife's story.
We need to find whoever did this
or the Governor's gonna have my ass!
Don't worry, Captain, your ass is safe in my hands.
No, wait a second—
Get out of here!
I'd open a window if I were you.
One more thing, Steel.
Hmm?
Do these pants make my ass look big?
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm a very important person!
This place is a fucking freak show.
Ah, Officer Steel.
I've been meaning to find you.
You missed our session again.
Blow it out your ass, Chump knuckles!
You can't keep avoiding me, Officer Steel!
Okay, let's get one thing straight.
I don't like you. And before you start,
it's not because you're a woman or any of that horse shit.
The fact is I don't much like anybody.
I know what your thinking, you're thinking that
this tough exterior...
...is just my way in breaking in a new partner
and after a while, the bickering...
Dr. Rosenpenis to Proctology.
Calling Doctor Rosenpenis.
Hi, I'm Chuck Steel.
This is my partner Ingrid Klutz.
Work partner! No way would I touch that!
Hell no.
Um, I'm here to see Mrs. Brownlow.
Room seven.
Across the hall.
Say, sweet cakes,
how about when I'm done here we go out somewhere?
I know a great Monster Truck festival.
I'm busy.
What about Monday?
I'm filing my tax return.
Tuesday?
I'm burying my dog.
Wednesday?
Wednesdays, I stick pins in my ass.
You're trying to tell me something aren't you?
Call for back up, lesbian!
Help!
Freeze, fudge sucker!
- Huh? - Huh?
Die, harlot of darkness! Die!
You're busted, slime ball!
Uh, somebody's used this.
Well, thanks for the speedy back up, Igor!
Okay, old man, start talking!
You have made a terrible mistake.
That lady must be destroyed!
According to immigration, you are one Abraham Van Rental.
That your real name?
She has been bitten.
In a few hours, her transformation will be complete
and she will be consumed with an unholy bloodlust.
Okay...
Tell me, you've heard of vampires, no?
Sure.
But have you ever heard of...
Trampires?!
You mean like a woman who tears out your heart
and sucks you dry?
Um, no.
I mean tramps in the sense of hobos,
derelicts, stinky street folk, you know.
Not tramps as in harlots or ladies of the night,
although they, too, can be affected.
Anyway, I digress... where was I?
Trampires?
Ah, yes.
Trampires are an aberration.
Half vampire, half tramp.
Although in this country, I think you call them bums,
but Bumires doesn't make any sense.
We wouldn't want that now.
Many centuries ago in Transylvania,
vampires ruled over the land.
They were the aristocracy of the time
and they fed off the blood of the peasants without question.
But, around 1400 A.D.
everything got a bit P.C.
and their way of life was deemed unacceptable.
Ooh!
They were driven out and destined to spend eternity
wandering the land as reviled outcasts...
Up yours!
...condemned to a life of darkness
and of eating half-eaten burgers out of bins.
When this happened, they got really depressed
and took to drinking heavily.
Over the years, this constant binge drinking,
especially on weekends,
caused their metabolism to mutate
until their craving for blood
and their craving for cheap booze became entwined.
Thus, the Trampire was born!
Are you on drugs?
I can prove it to you.
Tell me, am I right in saying
that before each of the victims disappeared
they had recently attended a party or social gathering
which would have involved a large amount of alcohol consumption?
Go on.
It is the same in every case.
The Trampires are only attracted to victims
who are completely ripped to the tits.
You don't believe me!
Wait!
Fruit cake.
Where are you going? Come back!
The Trampires are real!
They are out there!
And with every new victim, their ranks grow ever stronger!
I believe you.
Oops.
Sorry.
See you on the gun range, Igor.
Ah, Steel. There you are.
I hear you have a suspect in custody?
Yeah. Old guy.
Looks like Sherlock Holmes' retarded brother.
Speedy work! On another matter,
how's the anger management therapy going?
Oh, you know. Pretty good.
Been dealing with a lot of feelings and stuff.
You know, emotions and shit?
Cut the crap, Steel!
I know you haven't been to a single session!
I've been busy. I'm in the middle of alphabetizing
my cock rock collection.
I don't need any more "cops on the edge"
in this precinct, Steel!
So you'd better start revealing your inner child
to this lady, or—
Let me guess, it's my ass?
No, it's your badge and your gun!
You can shove your ass up your ass!
It doesn't even make any sense!
I'm in charge! I don't need to make sense!
Face or Balls?
Jeez.
Okay. Balls.
I can't take any more head shots.
My neurologist said I have an aneurysm
the size of a tennis ball.
Yeah!
Jesus!
I think I split my ball bag!
Hmm, so you said you feel like—
Hmm, so you said you feel like this
every waking minute of every day?
Pretty much, yeah.
Is that it?
Please relax, Officer Steel.
If these sessions are to be of any use,
I require the patient to be a willing participant.
I'm here aren't I?
Under duress, I suspect.
Look, do you want to do this or not?
'Cause I got better things to do, lady.
Believe it or not, I'm here to help.
Oh, is that right? Well, I've seen what your kind of help
is doing to the rest of this department!
We've got Maloney so "emotionally liberated"
that if some street punk shot him,
he'd probably apologize for bleeding so much!
Martinez is so in touch with his inner child
that he won't go anywhere without a diaper
and Sanchez is so in tune with his sexual identity
that he's taken to wearing a gimp mask on stakeouts!
And as for the Captain,
that's really starting to scare me!
I'm sorry if you don't like my methods, Officer Steel,
but I also have a job to do.
And that job is bringing emotionally scarred
police officers like yourself
back from the brink of self destruction.
Well, I like being on the "brink"!
In fact, I'm thinking of buying a house there.
It's a little farther from the "edge"
than I would have liked but I can always commute!
This conversation is getting us nowhere.
Let's start over, shall we?
Tell me about your wife.
Huh?
There's nothing to tell.
I had a wife and now I don't!
That's it. Can I go now?
What happened to her?
She was killed. Okay?
She's gone.
She was murdered by a piece of shit ninja warlord
by the name of Akumu.
What happened to this Akumu?
Didn't you try to find him?
What are you saying?
You saying I don't know how to do my job? Huh?
No. I'm simply—
You saying I didn't love my wife? Are you?
I think we should leave things there for today.
I can see you're becoming agitated.
This ain't agitated, lady,
believe me you don't want to see me agitated.
You know, there's no shame in having emotions
other than rage.
I hope you'll come to see that eventually.
Don't hold your breath, sugar tits.
I'll have a fire in my belly till I'm dust in the wind.
What a prick!
Every police officer—
Police are searching right now...
Shut up!
Oops.
Huh?
Steel here.
Steel, the shit just hit the fan!
There's been 12 more attacks
in the space of four minutes.
Plus, that guy you arrested has escaped.
- Maloney? - Maloney.
That guy is about as useful as yesterday's piss!
We think he might be heading back to the hospital.
Get over there now.
Anything happens to the Brownlow woman
and the Governor is gonna wall mount my ass
in his hunting lodge!
Lizard.
Sometimes I worry about that man's state of mind.
Sir, your tits are crooked.
Oh, thanks.
Now you're going to get it.
Who dares to enter my dwelling place?
It is I, foul wench, Abraham Van Rental.
I have returned to send your cursed soul
back to the boiling hell from whence it came.
Puny human fool!
You shall never be rid of my kind!
As long as people keep getting shit-faced
they will be the prey of the Trampire!
Talking of which, I'm dying of thirst.
Have you been drinking today?
Well I—I had a glass of wine at lunchtime but that's all.
That will have to suffice.
Come to me.
I thirst.
You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!
I am yours, succubus.
Oh, thank God!
That crazy man is back!
I—I think he's trying to molest her!
Okay, step back. I'll handle this.
Freeze!
Damn you!
I was about to get some.
Ugh.
No, It's not what it looks like.
- She is a— - A Trampire. Yeah, I know.
You believe me?
I don't know what I believe.
All I know is there's some weird shit going down
and I can't explain it.
So for now, everyone stay calm and nobody move.
Is that supposed to be funny?
We are too late.
She has already turned.
There is nothing we can do for her now.
Come closer, pretty one,
so that I may feast on your exquisite veins.
No thanks. I gave at the office.
You will pay for your insolence!
The check's in the mail.
Let's get some light in here.
No!
What the hell?
Huh?
Die, hell-bitch, die!
Uh, okay, Doc, take it easy.
The Master will make you pay for this!
- He is coming soon! - Huh?
You shall all pay with your souls!
Wait! Close the curtains!
Oh, shit!
Oh, flaps.
What's wrong?
She spoke of the Master.
This could be worse than I thought.
Well, she ain't gonna tell us anything now.
- Huh? - Agh!
Get it off me! It's biting my nose!
Get it off me!
Help me!
Hold still!
Take it off!
Oh, God!
Help me! Help me, you great lummox!
Now, this might hurt a little.
Sorry.
- Huh? - Argh!
Not the hair! Not the hair!
Get it away from me!
Huh?
Mummy!
Huh?
I love you.
Come on, you little bastard!
I'll tan your ass!
Huh?
I'm stuck!
Yo! Bat thing!
Come on.
Eat lead!
Do you like that, huh?
Is that what you want?
It's not what it looks like.
Somebody get some lube!
What the fuck!
Damn it, Steel!
That was our only witness!
What in the hell happened?!
Well, Captain, first she turned into a Trampire
so we opened the drapes.
Then she turned into a bat and bit my nose
so I killed her with a pencil.
What?! And how could you lose another partner for Christ's sake!
I just got my ass chewed out by the Swedish ambassador!
And he had a beard.
Now that wasn't my fault. She was a real clumsy broad.
And what the hell is it with your nose, Steel?
You look like Karl Malden on steroids!
He has been bitten by one of them!
Soon, the poison will work its way through his body.
By midnight tonight he will have become a creature of darkness
whose only goal is to attack
drunk people coming out of bars!
Who the fuck is this guy?
Look, it's a long story, Captain.
Just give me till midnight.
If I haven't found this psycho by then,
you can personally drive a stake through my heart.
- Liver. - What?
To kill a Trampire, you must pierce the liver, not the heart.
Whatever.
So what do you say, Captain?
It's tempting, but I'm sorry, Steel, not this time.
You're off the case, as of now.
I'm putting you on security detail at the circus tonight!
To hell with that!
I ain't no Goddamn clown!
Steel, you're lucky to get that!
I've just got your psych report.
Dr. Cular says you've got too many unresolved anger issues
because of what happened to your wife.
How many times do I have to tell you people?
I do not have a Goddamned anger problem!
Damn it, Steel!
You're the best Goddamn cop on the force
but when are you going to realize it's not 1985 anymore!
It's 1986!
Now where was I?
You were about to go one round of "Face or Balls".
I was?
Sure you were. You heard him, right?
Um...
Yes.
Uh, okay.
It'll have to be face this time.
My prostate's pulsing like a son of a bitch.
You're gonna have to tell me the rules
to this game one day, Steel,
'cause I'm sure I said face.
Oh, sorry.
Well, that should buy us a few hours.
Let's go. I have a plan.
Okay, Giggles, you're up!
Let's get one thing straight.
I don't like you.
And before you start, it's not because
you're a Goddamn monkey or any of that crap.
The fact is I don't much like anybody.
I know what your thinking.
Your thinking this tough exterior
is just my way of breaking in a new partner.
And then after a while the bickering
and mutual dislike of each other...
This is your plan? Get shit-faced?
Bait, dear boy.
If we can consume enough alcohol
then we might be able to lure the Trampires out of hiding.
At least, that's usually how it works.
What are you talking about?
Ancient scrolls tell of a mythical Trampire
known as The Master.
He is prophesied to be able to hold his drink
a lot better than the others.
The scrolls also state that this "Leader of Trampires"
will attempt to bring about the "Lock-in"
an ancient curse that will turn the skies
to an eternal night
and transform water into cheap cider.
The resultant darkness will cause mass depression amongst the peoples of the world
and nearly everyone will start drinking heavily,
creating a never-ending food supply for the Trampires.
The sober world we know shall be no more!
Jesus.
There is also a legend that tells of the chosen one,
a man who will defeat the Trampires once and for all.
But personally I think that bit is bullshit.
So how do we find this Master?
Bait, dear boy, bait.
Hello?
Steel, you here?
Don't be a chicken, Mr. Butterworth.
Huh.
I'll get my money one way or another, you bum.
Oh, shit!
Oh, boy!
Am I gonna have some fun with this!
Mr. Butterworth!
Oh, my God!
Wait! No!
So how did you get into this game, Doc?
Hunting Trampires, I mean.
It's been a family business for centuries.
My father hunted Trampires,
as did his father before him, and his father before him—
And his father before him.
Yeah, I get the picture.
No, his father was a plumber.
So what about you,
is there a Mrs. Steel?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
God, I loved that woman!
What happened?
Oh, uh, she died.
- What?! - Murdered by a ninja asshole
by the name of Akumu.
What a bummer!
Damn straight!
Damn you, Akumu!
Damn you!
Can I just say,
you have the biggest penis I've ever seen on a man.
I know.
Huh?
You motherfu...
We're going to walk the streets looking for tramps.
Whatever floats your boat, buddy.
Ah!
Clowns.
- Hey! - Sorry!
Ow! Ah!
Don't so drugs!
Yeah.
Why would you do that?
Sorry!
There he is! Get him!
Leave me alone!
Fuck it!
It's no good.
My hangover's kicking in and we ain't found squat.
There is one thing we can try
but you're not going to like it.
Fifty bucks
and the monkey can watch.
Thank you, fair lady of the night.
You guys are into some kinky shit.
Goddamn perverts everywhere.
You can come out now. She's gone.
I am seriously not happy about this!
Statistically, the Trampires attack drunken couples
more than any other demographic.
I still don't see why I had to wear the dress?
Well, I couldn't pull that off. Not with my legs.
Besides, there's no time to argue.
Time is running out for you.
So now what?
Now we walk. And we wait.
Bloody hell! That worked quicker than I anticipated.
Back, servant of twilight! Back!
Quickly! We must not lose sight of him.
He may lead us to the nest!
Jesus. How do you walk in these things?!
Give me your truck!
Bite me!
He bit me!
He's getting away!
Come on!
Fucking shoes!
Come on. Don't dilly dally.
Give me my clothes.
I need to change out of this shit.
Oh, uh, I'm afraid I dropped them in the alley.
You asshole!
I think we might be on to something here, you know.
If I'm not mistaken, this could well be the Trampires lair.
Gee. You reckon?
What the hell?
It looks like freshman week at Betty Ford's.
This is definitely the nest.
But there's more of them than usual.
Look. It's Harold Brownlow.
He looks like shit.
It is too late for him I'm afraid.
He is one of them now.
What the hell?
- You know her? - Sure.
She's the department shrink!
It looks like she's much more than that.
It looks like she is The Master.
But she can't be! I've seen her in daylight.
She didn't even break a sweat.
The scrolls tell us that the Master
is stronger than the others.
To kill him, or her,
you must use three methods within a 15 minute window.
For example, a stake through the liver
in broad daylight whilst hosing him
or her down with Holy coffee.
Are you making this shit up as you go?!
Thank you, my brothers.
It warms the blood to see so many of you here tonight.
It has been a long road
but our journey's nearly at an end.
The task of sabotaging the L.A.P.D. is now complete.
Their heads are now so full of meaningless psychobabble
that when it comes to the final battle,
they will be unable to protect the Puritan.
Believe it or not,
some of the poor saps even began cross dressing!
Not a Goddamn word.
Tonight, we will drink the blood of the Puritan,
the "Lock-In" will come to pass
and we shall reign over the humans
and reclaim the glory of our forefathers.
So who's this Puritan guy?
The scrolls speak of a sworn enemy of
the Trampires called the Puritan
a man of great social standing
who threatens their way of life.
If memory serves me correctly,
he must be sacrificed at midnight,
in a public arena, to bring about the "Lock-In".
They've been calling Governor Atkins a Puritan on the news a lot
he's been clamping down on liquor licenses.
If there's less drunk people on the streets,
the Trampires food supply would dwindle.
That's bound to piss them right off.
Atkins is attending a charity event tonight.
They're going to hit him at the circus.
- Oh, shit. - What is it?
My wife is...
What?
...um, dead. My wife is dead.
Killed by ninjas.
I know. You said.
Let us pack up our cardboard coffins
for the final time, my brothers.
Our destiny awaits us at the strike of midnight!
They're gonna leave.
We gotta do something!
Will you keep still. They're gonna see us.
Um, Chuck, I fear we may have
a situation developing.
Huh?
Help me.
Get him off me!
Will you keep still?! I'm trying to get a grip!
He's all sweaty.
I can feel his helmet through my britches!
Quit squirming, will you?
Pull him off!
I don't think he needs any help in that department!
Will you just shoot the bastard?
Eat this!
I think they might've heard that.
Okay, you hell bastards! Let's dance!
Officer Steel, what a pleasant surprise.
Nice outfit.
Looks like my sessions with you have had an affect after all.
This old thing?
Unhand me, you malodorous mendicants!
As for you, you interfering little shit!
Your forefathers have caused me no end of hassle
over the centuries!
How does it feel to know you will be the last of your kind!
Ah! That's what you think, homunculus!
Why even as we speak, my 15 year old grandson Algernon
is in training to take over my mantle.
If he can just stop masturbating long enough.
Cease your prattling, fool!
Give it up, lady, We know about your plan to kill the Governor.
You'll never get away with it.
Oh, I will, Officer Steel.
It is my destiny.
It's your destiny to be locked in a rubber room
with a box of crayons, you crazy bitch!
Well you're not exactly playing with a full deck now are you?
Not since your wife left you.
Huh?!
I thought your wife was killed by ninjas?
He fed you that story, too, did he?
The elusive ninja master Akumu,
arch nemesis of the legend that is Chuck Steel!
All lies I'm afraid.
The truth is a little more
human, shall we say.
Where the hell did you get that?
Oh, it's amazing how helpful your landlord could be
with my teeth clamped round his throat.
- "Dear Chuck... - Oh, God, no!
"...I know this might come as a surprise,
"but I'm leaving you.
"You're a misogynistic, Neanderthal, asshole
"with stupid hair and a laughably oversized chin
"that looks like a loaf of bread.
"I've met someone else.
"His name is Barney.
"He works at a world renowned traveling circus
as their premier clown in residence."
Shut up, damn it! Shut up!
"He's a giant in the world of physical comedy,
"an expert unicyclist and a better lover than you could ever be.
Please, no more.
"P.S. Don't try to find me
or Barney will set the lions on you."
His wife left him for a clown!
Please, God, make it stop!
Oh, you poor bastard.
I swear to God, I am going to kill every last one of you
dirty stinking mother f...
Fuckers!
Night-night.
Steel!
Huh?
Hello.
Welcome back to the land of the living, Officer Steel.
While you were out, we force fed your friend
three bottles of cheap whiskey
and he is now completely hammered.
Let's go to a club.
And since your nose is no longer swollen,
we know that the toxins are now in your system.
Soon the cravings will begin and your friend
will look more appealing to you than a trolley dash
in a liquor store.
You will feast on his blood
and your transformation will be complete.
Son of a bitch!
But I'm not a monster.
You're probably going to need some therapy after this
so I've left my business card with Steve here.
Call me.
Anytime.
I like him.
He's silly.
Hmm.
I was enjoying that.
Psst. Chuck.
Fear not. I'm not actually that drunk.
As part of my training I learned to pass alcohol through my system
so fast that it has minimal effect.
The only downside is the cost of the dry cleaning.
Ugh.
Leave me. Get away.
Listen, Doc, you have to kill me.
I'm going to turn into one of them any time now.
Come on, old boy. Snap out of it.
That's easy for you to say.
My reputation is shot to shit.
Being the best Goddamn cop on the force is what I do.
It's who I am. Without that I'm nothing.
Nonsense, my boy.
Here drink some of this.
- What is it? - A secret elixir
that helps stave off the symptoms for a while.
Why didn't you mention this before?
It is only to be consumed in an emergency
as it only works once I'm afraid.
It's made up of a mixture of tomato juice and Alka-Seltzer.
Oh, and pulverized giraffe sphincters.
Oh, bugger.
Put 'em up, you bounder!
Steve, you fucking prick!
I'm starting to get agitated!
- How do you feel? - Okay, I think.
Good. The elixir has bought us a few hours.
We need to get to the circus before the show starts.
Yo! Giggles, let's blow this shitbox!
You know, when he isn't throwing his turds around,
he's a damn good partner.
Giggles!
No!
Ah!
I need help!
No!
Chuck! Get to the circus!
Save the Puritan!
But first. I'd change into something less slutty
if I were you!
God damn it!
Oh, I can see my hotel!
What the hell?
"If you're reading this then I'm guessing
"there's a higher than average chance
"that Mr. Giggles is fubarred.
"So, in an effort to get ahead of the game with this situation
"here's your new partner, you psychotic son of a bitch.
Oh, not this shit again.
"This is your last chance, Steel.
"Fuck this up and I swear your ass is history!
P.S. If you're coming back to the office, can you pick up some milk? We're all out."
Son of a bitch!
Huh?
What the hell?
That was here when I moved in.
Where's my rent?
Listen to me, Gussman, you've been bitten by a Trampire.
Pretty soon all you'll want to do is drink the blood of drunk people
and spend the daylight hours hiding in a cardboard box on Shit Street.
Now if you let me get my crossbow
and get out of this skirt, there's still time to fix this.
You Goddamn pervert!
No!
Oh, shit.
Huh?
This is coming out of your deposit!
Deposit this!
There's never anything on TV!
Oh, shit!
Destructive sequence initiated.
Huh?
You gotta be shitting me!
Give us a kiss! Give us a kiss!
Huh?
Give us a kiss! Give us a kiss!
Fuck you, Butterworth!
Huh.
- Seven, six... - Give us a kiss!
Huh?
Oh, give me a fucking break!
Three, two, one...
Have a nice day.
Whoa!
Okay, let's get one thing straight.
I don't like you.
Huh?
I peed my pants!
Easy there, son, you've had quite a knock.
Where am I?
Who are you people?
Name's Dora.
This here's Bum Central.
It's not much but it's home.
Ooh.
How did I get here?
Stretch over there,
he's been watching me for awhile now.
I know you, don't I?
Howdy, son.
Why do they call you Stretch?
Huh? Oh.
'Cause I hide all my loose change in my foreskin.
Just don't ask where he keeps his wallet.
I heard that!
Is that my stuff?
What are they doing?
Wooden-tipped bullets.
They are making a few modifications.
I hope you don't mind.
Here we found this, too.
From someone special, huh?
It's all I have left of my wife.
I'm sorry.
Did she die?
Nah.
She left me for a circus clown.
What's their problem?
They know you've been bit.
Wondering how come you ain't turned yet.
A friend of mine gave me, uh...
Wait a second. You know?
About the Trampires?
Come with me, son, you need to see something.
This way.
Look, in the mural.
It's you.
This lone wolf bullshit of yours has gone on long enough.
Giggles!
The Master will make you pay for this.
He is coming.
I love you.
No!
I can feel his helmet through my britches!
This is your last chance, Steel.
Fuck this up, and I swear your ass is history!
Huh?
What the fuck is that?
We call him The Wise One.
He's been down here for 30 years,
ever since he was fired from Goldman Sachs
for taking a shit in the elevator.
Is it him?
Is one of you gonna tell me what the fuck is going on here?
The legend speaks of a man
who will fall from the skies
with the tools that can bring about the Trampires destruction.
Oh, my God!
You are the chosen one,
my friend.
We're going to the circus, fudge suckers!
Mind your fucking language!
And here we see Governor Atkins arriving
at tonight's charity event.
Indeed this whole midnight show was the Governor's idea
as a way as a way to highlight the plight of the homeless on our streets.
He truly is a man of the people.
Who's here again?
Some of these poor bastards aren't gonna
make it through tonight.
Son, some of these poor bastards
weren't gonna make it through to breakfast.
The prophecy begins.
Huh?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Wait! Wait! Come back!
There's been a terrible mistake!
Oh.
Huh?
Uh, where the fuck is everyone?
We gonna rumble or what?
Shit.
Hey, Governor!
Sit down, you fat fuck!
This is Mother Hen calling all stations.
- Check in. - All clear on my end.
Back passage ready for action.
I bought a balloon!
Nobody teabags Abraham Van Rental!
I haven't thought this through!
Oh, shit!
Feel my shaft, ungodly swine!
Where is a pig's liver anyway?
Will you just fucking die?!
Smoky bacon!
- Who are these guys? - And now, ladies and gentlemen.
Keep your nut down, darling.
The world famous Coco and his Bunch of Clowns!
You bastards!
Ah. There's the rabble.
We're not going to make it in time!
I need to get hold of Jack somehow.
I got a phone!
Schitt here.
Captain, it's Steel. Listen to me.
You've got to get the Governor away from the circus!
What the hell are you talking about, Steel?
Is the cheese plant with you?
- He didn't make it. - That's it Steel!
You're officially on suspension as of now.
Now would you just shut up a second, you big fruit!
The shrink who's been messing with your head.
She's the leader of a group of vampire bums
called Trampires and she's heading your way to kill the Governor.
The shrink was right.
You've finally gone over the edge, Steel!
Now if you don't mind I'm trying to watch the funny looking tramp clowns.
They've got pies and everything.
What did you say?
- I said they've got pies and— - No, the clowns!
What did you call them?
Tramps. You know, more Charlie Chaplin
than Ronald McDonald.
Oh, my God!
You've got to get the Governor out of there, Captain!
- Captain! - Steel?
Goddamn piece of shit!
Oh!
You asshole!
Is this a European circus?
Ooh, I've got the D.T.'s.
Oh, bollocks!
Huh?
Yep. Definitely French.
It's a dude!
Bring me the Puritan!
Huh?
Cameras.
I'm ready for my next session, Doc.
No!
Yes!
Oh!
Fool!
We cannot be stopped by just one man!
That's okay. I don't work alone!
Fire!
What?
Sir, we have to get you out of here now!
No shit!
Out of my way!
Huh?
Welcome to the party, Doc.
- I've got a splitting headache. - Me, too!
Huh?
Is it safe?
Is it safe? Is it fuck!
Huh?
Come on!
Ooh.
Protect the Governor!
Hang on.
Ow!
Oh, God. What have I done?
Maloney!
Fuck off!
Hold on, Maloney!
Don't you die on me! You big dumb son of a bitch.
Do me a favor, Captain.
Tell my wife...
tell her I never really loved her.
I only married her to get close to her sister.
Will you do that for me, sir?
You can tell her yourself, Maloney.
I don't think so sir.
Flaps!
Harry? Is that you?
God, please don't let me die.
Tally ho!
Bollocks.
Don't you know who I am?
He don't know jack shit!
He does now!
Ah!
Huh?
Good to have you back, Captain.
Good to be back.
Those lace panties were giving me thrush.
Huh?
What the hell is going on?
Who are these people?
We're the unwashed masses, Mr. Governor.
And you owe us big time.
Ain't that right, Stretch?
Another one for the nest egg!
Ugh!
Oh, Stretch.
Ta-da!
No!
She can't be still alive!
I emptied a clip of wood-tipped bullets into her liver!
You have to use three methods within a 15-minute window.
Remember?
Join us!
Steel?
Get the Governor out of here! I'll hold her off!
- Are you crazy? - He's not crazy.
He's the best Goddamn cop on the force.
He's also the chosen one.
Of course. That's why you have such a big penis!
I'm just a cop!
Now get the hell out of here and let me do my job.
Oh, no.
The elixir has worn off.
The transformation is upon you.
Oh, my... God!
That's got to be the grossest thing I've ever seen.
And I've got hemorrhoids!
Go! Now!
You heard the man, Schitt!
Get me out of here!
Hold on, Chuck!
There's still time to save your soul!
Try to hold on to your...
Humanity.
Oh, rat's cocks!
Sober up, Satan spawn!
That's two out of three, you sepulchral harlot!
Are we leaving or what?!
You are making a big mistake lady!
Foolish mortal!
That's where you're wrong!
Huh?
What the hell is happening now!?
You got me.
The scrolls never mentioned this shit.
I told you he was a fucking lizard!
This is our world!
Never!
Chuck! We still have to protect the Puritan!
Even if he is a giant lizard!
Harryhausen!
Will you keep still, you greasy freak?!
Motherfucking lasers!?
Oh, give me a fucking break!
Have no fear!
The Chosen One is here!
Hello.
Shit!
Reminds me of my wedding night.
No! It cannot be!
That's strike three, bitch!
Time to die.
Huh? Maybe not!
Bingo!
Chuck, catch!
Now I'm agitated!
Come on!
This Schitt's getting too old for this shit!
Huh?
- Chuck? - Lucy?
Awkward.
Oh, shit!
We need to talk.
Whoa! Giant lizard!
Doc, are you okay?
Uh, I think so.
Now that the Mistress is vanquished,
you can kill that asshole!
And how exactly do you kill a big fucking lizard, Doc?
With big fucking bullets!
Ooh, yeah!
Let's do this!
Chew on this, you alien mother!
Hang on, Jack!
It's nothing personal.
I'm just trying to make this world a better place!
Yo! Fish lips!
I'm ready when you are!
Huh?
Bye-bye.
Oh, come on!
Oh, no, you don't.
Die!
Come here, you little shit!
You scaly son of a bitch!
It ends here, harridan!
Oh, yeah!
Eat my justice!
Liver let die!
I hate politics.
Authorities are baffled by tonight's events
and are still unaware of the location of Governor Atkins.
Rescue teams have failed to locate a body...
Lucy.
Chuck?
Are you okay?
You look... different.
Yeah. I guess when you work with custard all day
something's got to give.
Oi! She's happy now!
So bugger off, you lanky twat!
Button it, munchkin!
I know how to treat her right!
I give her what she needs!
What, low shelving?
Up yours, Blondie!
For God's sake, stop it!
I can't take this!
Sorry. Just tell me one thing.
Did you really mean all those things you said in your letter?
What are you talking about?
I didn't leave any letter.
Ah, that may have been me.
Well, we couldn't just leave without saying
goodbye now, could we?
Excuse me a second.
You want some of this do you? Come on then.
Yeah! I'll do you from in 'ere!
Fuck you!
Sorry. I had no idea he had done that.
So does this mean I wasn't a complete washout as a husband?
Of course, you weren't.
You just never understood what it meant to me
to make balloon animals and pour custard down my pants.
And I couldn't expect you to.
I could've changed.
I started wearing bigger shoes.
Face it, Chuck, you work...
alone.
There he is!
That's the man!
He's the imposter!
Stop him!
Ah! He's gone nuts!
Steel!
I'll expect the paperwork on my desk in the morning.
Go fuck yourself.
I could've fired him.
Well, that was jolly good fun wasn't it?
Yeah, right.
There's bound to be more of those lizards out there.
Also, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this
but there is an equally deadly force out there
that must be thwarted.
You have heard of werewolves, no?
Sure.
But have you ever heard of...
werewolf prostitutes?
Or whorewolves, if you will.
They're bloody everywhere!
Face or balls!
Oh, flaps.
Yeah!