43H434343 43h434343@43434343`4343Women want the joke!Jokes for Women!43IExcuse me - I... I think it's probably time for me to take my medicine...4343843434343X4343YEEEOOOWWWW!!!43@43434343`4343438 43 oWell welcome to our audience, and welcome to DEATH, the latest star to rise and shine in the land of Holy Wood!:DEATH - how do you feel about your up and coming premiere?I DON'T FEEL. I AM DEATH.LWhat he means is that he's confident that the product will speak for itself!BThat we've got something really astounding, really new, really.... really....WHAT??Look - just try to appear less skeletal or something, will you?fYes, well perhaps you might explain to us just why you feel DEATH is the sex symbol for today's world?TWell, Trish, we've always known that the height of style is pure, elegant restraint.PAnd of course, when it comes to wearing black, he's always been the trendsetter.Fabulous, fantastic4Well, that's it from outside the Odium here tonight!TThis is Trish Looksgood inviting one and all to join me here tonight and get reaped!SQUEAK! Oh shut up!'It seemed like a good idea at the time!FHow was I to know the spectre of death was going to become a pop icon?1Now he says he doesn't want his old day job back!SQUEAK SQUEAK!Now he's a style setter!43xYNow millions of girls are cramming themselves into undersized, tight black lace costumes,4with lots of black lace, all dying their hair black,Nwearing black lace and black nail polish and deep plum lipstick and black lace,and being pale and very, very interesting...(*Sigh* God, I hate wearing this dress...SQUEAK SQUEAK!$What do you mean, it's all my fault?SQUEAK!=Well of course I saw the game's opening credits! I was there!SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK.1Well no, I don't think that's a good idea at all.!No - it's just not my cup of tea!-SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK, SQUEAKA SQUEAKA SQUEAK! You mean I have to become DEATH?4Hmm. Well, I suppose it'll help me make new friends.4343D,Iiiiiiiim in the moooood for frogs! ah yeah!+Frogs are the things I've been thinking of!pBut they're so small and green And they reign supreme In this crazy Casanunda's house of love... Oh! Oh! Oooooh!Oooooh, much better!Yes yes!Oooooh - I like this one!(Quite right! Plenty enough to go around!How do you cook it?Sage and onions!Sage and onions?In the middle of the desert?3Oh - Turmeric, rosewater and onions then - come on!Yes, yes, yes, yes, aye.rOooooooh witness the all powerful mystic-type skills of what would be the Far East if that direction existed here!gWatch now as Uri Djeller manipulates the metal objects with the modern powers of his magnificent brain. Strain! Straaaain! Straaaaiiiin!Oh - the end has fallen off...(Greetings, little fakir of the pharaohs!Greetings, my good man!BHere - see now revealed before you the wonders of the fakir's art!Flasheee! Blam! Sploonge!,Yes ... I... I don't think I quite follow...Do you dare to doubt my powers?RAha! now I shall strike the infidel with my magnificent straightening-type powers!Straaaaain! Straiiin! Strainey!Feel anything yet?8Well my back's stopped hurting, if that's what you mean.*See! see the awesome might of Uri Djeller!All right - So what do you do?Uri Djeller uses the power of the mind to restart hourglasses, and to bend and unbend the metal things, and to find out tomorrow's news TODAY!So does it work?RUm... er... Uri also has a special skill at putting things on top of other things!How lovely for you.eLook, you being a mystic and all you... you wouldn't happen to know anything about jingles would you?$Uri Djeller knows all about jingles.1You bring Uri bells and he will make them jingle.%You want big jingle or little jingle?8You'll be hearing bells soon if you don't pay attention.uI mean jingle as in short catchy song, some meaningless little tune that goes around and around in your head all day.Ahhh. Now Uri understands.'You mean like philosophy, but to music.Yeah. That's the one.Yes Uri knows of philosopher.#He in desert. Uri try and remember.Straaaaain! straiiin! Strainey! Uri pleased to be of assistance.7All right - what about these other mystic powers, then?6We have the fabulous pyramid powers of time and space!We have the mystic men sitting in deserts, and we have cut-rate camels, although they're not quite so mystic, but they can't half spit!Oh really. Is that all?You want more?43'Then we have the fountain of youth! Yes, indeed! You can get a second childhood without all the dribbling and unfortunate bad-type smells.Now that sounds more like it!Where might I find that? Oooooh, errrr... I've forgotten.CWhen they call your people 'fakers' they're not joking, are they...@How dare you cast aspersions on my mighty powers of um... err...7err, what's it called - it was on the tip of my tongue,4mind's gone blank... um... oh... oh, right...memory!CThere is a prospector what comes through here every now and again..3He goes everywhere! He's been around for centuries!>You ask him if he's ever seen a greater sage than Uri Djeller! A mystic, eh?:Mock not the powers that your tiny mind cannot understand!/Watch now as you face the wrath of Uri Djeller!!Straiin! Straaaiiin! Straaaaaain!&So much for the mystics of the desert.qA mad spoon-straightener, a flock of hooting Biddies, and some tall stone pointy things that you can't even wear.,I say - can you maybe do me a little favour?4I have some things here that need straightening out.No problems, my good man!Strain! Straaaaiiin! Straiin!"Uh - my nose has started to bleed!HNow look what you've made me do! All down the front of dad's good shirt!XHere, little spotted sage - cast your eyes on this and tell me what you can do about it. Ooooh ta!+Looks hard at hourglass - hears no ticking.wAfter a long and hard examination of this timepiece, I can now give you the heady-type words of the desert herbal sage!Yes?+It is an hourglass for the keeping of time!I know what it is!,I want to know how to fill it back up again!*Then I shall work my magic powers of mind!#Straiiiin! Straiiiiin! Straiiiiiin!3Oooh! I've gone all giddy! I do not like this game!'Are you going to fix this thing or not?&Why do you keep bothering me about it!7Go fill it at the fountain of youth if you're so smart.Popping hummus?9Genuine popping hummus - take it home and do it yourself!WI'll let it go at half price, even though I'm cutting my own hand off! Off, Off, Off...Or relics? Relics, offendi?$Brand new relics, only half a dinar! New relics?How can you have 'new' relics?,Through the magic of pyramid power, offendi!cThrough the effects of time distortion, we now can bring you all the prestige of ancient artifacts,Kwithout the annoyance of having broken old rubbish cluttering up the house. Greetings, oh pointy-hatted one!IAre you perhaps interested in owning a very perfect and beautiful bridge?JTen thousand dinars - and I'm cutting off my own faruk at twice the price! A bridge?In the middle of the desert?iIf the need should ever come, offendi, you will be just that much further ahead of the rush! Hee hee hee!I don't believe this!-So what's all this about pyramid power, then?WAaaaah my esteemed dress-bedecked one - the pyramids are mystic centres of great power..Within them, time is slowed, or time is sped -Cand they also sharpen hamburger and keep razor blades fresh! Ah Ha!$Four functions for the price of one!!Yours for a desert song, offendi.7A thousand dinar, and Hey! I'm cutting my own hand off!*No thank you - I'm trying to give them up.I so love foreign travel.WIt lets you see that all the foreigners are just like the people you've left at home --/a bunch of self-obsessed, ungrateful layabouts.?Oh well - it seems I now know how to see a man about a pyramid.!It should come in handy someday -NIt'd be terrible, needing a pyramid in a hurry and finding all the shops shut.431 Stone, sir? You what?Stone sir? For the executions?)Good solid stone, guaranteed streamlined.YOr we've got light weight models here designed for those caught at the back of the crowd.7I'm sorry - I seem to have this awful sense of deja vu.IShould I mention the fact that women aren't allowed at the stonings, sir?5It's amazing -- I think I've had this deja vu before.;You know there's something familiar about this whole scene.5And you, there's something familiar about your voice.VYeah, yeah, yeah - the graphics may have changed but the voice is definitely the same.*I don't know what you're referring to sir. Now can I interest you in rocks?(No no. Not just at the moment thank you.+You're a rather rock-loving sort of fellow.Do you have any candy rock?2What, like trolls eat and lose all their teeth on?%Yep - there's a slab of it just here.It's terrifically popular.I WORKED MY FINGERS TO THE BONE FOR THEM BUT THEY ALL HATE ME. Hate you?$What does that matter? You're Death!*You're not supposed to worry about things!You just -- just happen!WELL I WANT MORE FROM LIFE.=A LITTLE BIT OF POPULARITY - IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, IS IT.GI WORK HARD FOR EVERYBODY. DOES ANYONE EVER SAY THANK YOU? I THINK NOT.Thank you? For *dying?*[Er...look, if I promise you that I'll find a way of making you popular, will you come back?"PEOPLE WILL LIKE ME - YOU PROMISE?BCross my heart and hope to meet you in your professional capacity.Now is it a deal? HMMMMMM....0ALL RIGHT - BUT ONLY IF YOU MAKE ME FEEL WANTED.^I have just the thing to bring the message into the people's hearts and minds, my dear fellow.CTell me... have you ever heard of something called... the clickies? Grubs, mate? You what?Grubs.Witchetty grubs. A bonza feed.6Mmmmmm! You can just smell them on the barbie now, eh?WCome on - the cost's only three bits - and at that price, I'm cuttin' me own digeridoo!ANo - look, I don't want to eat any insect larva today, thank you.@Could be the mistake of your life, mate! MMMMMM - they're yummy! Errr! Grubs?Ugh...they smell awful...RYou'd be really grateful for a feed of these if you were lost in the desert, mate.'A good advert for buying a map, I feel.>Are you sure you live here? You seem awfully familiar to me...+Sure as a platypus is an egg-laying mammal!ANow can I interest youse in any quality dinkum merchandise, mate??Picnic hampers, hats with corks - hows about a nice bent stick? I've got a lovely line in those!1No! Now look, why don't you sell anything useful!Useful? It's all useful!See?VHere - best thing for that! Take a couple of raw insect larvae - cure's it like magic! Like magic?'Well - if it cure's it, it'll be magic.)Come on, mate - two for the price of one!I'm cutting me own bludger!Go away!BThis picnic hamper - it's not filled with bugs or anything, is it?+Naaaah mate! I'd charge extra for the bugs.UIt's a bargain! I'll give you the handle for free - but I'm cutting me own billabong.5Stop saying that - I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.-Ah...sorry. You've worked that out, have you?:Yes, we only talk like that when there's foreigners about.5The tourist board insists that we maintain the image.rIn real life none of us would dream of drinking or swearing or making offensive remarks about women, I assure you."Now then, where was I...ah, yes...:G'day dinkum chunder, strewth I'm worried about Darleen...Yes yes - ve-very bonza!0Now go and be "colloquial" over there, will you?Stone the flaming crows!$Aargh, now you've got *me* doing it!43mOIf you locals are so smart, how come there are no bottles attached to that hat?9There were, but the flies have already been and took 'em.Aaaaah Bonedie!Sun,surf,sun,sand,surf,heat,flies...Rand a strange, indescribable smell just hovering somewhere at the back of my nose.-Just the place where the dead can enjoy life.=Odd - there's something strangely hypnotic about those waves!yMust be fun, dipping in and out of the surf - dodging the broken bottles and old fish hooks, swerving between the sharks.*Sigh*ASounds like jolly good fun... I wonder how one would go about it?I'll be seeing you then.Yeah, see ya later mate.Hello! Who're you?What d'ye want?SQUEAK! SQUEAKA-SQUEAKA-SQUEAK!!Yes, that's right - look, ummm...I'm here to become Death. You what?6You know... Death, The pale horseman. TALKS LIKE THIS.1Very big in the hourglass and scythes department.You?Oh, not for long.uJust until Himself gets back I... I have to fill in for a while, you know get the backlog moving, that sort of thing.-Got the faintest idea how to do it, have you?Um - well, I suppose so.%We got standards to maintain, mister.We takes a pride in our work.)I ain't havin' you lettin' the side down!>Listen, you got to be up to the snuff before you can be Death!Now do you mean?WWell, you got to be able to ride the pale horse, and you got to wear the right clothes.9Death wouldn't be seen dead in anything but a black robe.Yeah, you'll need a scythe -3and a capital letter voice - something... chilling. Is that all?You want more?Get on with it!Oh, goodie. Another quest.$I'm just flotsam on the sea of life.(Yeh! Stop snivelling and get on with it!OThere we are - one robe, comma, black, comma, spectres of death for the use of!Call that black?It *is* black! No it ain't!@Not your "light falling into it, never to escape" kind of black.'It's not the kind of black Death'd wear6You not making any friends here, I hope you know that.0All right, blacker than black it is! Here we go!Having fun, are we?%Look - what was it I was after again?I can't imagine, mister.(Advanced psychological treatment, maybe?+Just tell me what I'm supposed to be doing!YA black cloak, a scythe, a deep, booming voice, and a demonstration of your horsemanship./Surely even someone like you can remember that? There we go!PLight not only simply falls into it, but it doesn't even get a chance to scream. Mmmmm - yes."Well, the cut could be better.....Albert!3Oh very well - I suppose beggars can't be choosers..Yeah! There we are - read it and reap, Albert!See - a scythe!$Oh, we *are* Mr Clever, aren't we...3I suppose you've got some idea about how to use it?43x"Well of course I can use a scythe!You just sort of - um...,Yes, well I'm sure I'll get the swing of it!"It'll just take a bit of practice.)Not inside where you'll scar my woodwork!#Take it outside and reap the field.UWhen that's done, then perhaps you might have enough skill to go and reap some souls.KYou know, if I end up in charge your job is definitely one for down-sizing.#Ha! an entire field of corn reaped!CYeah - I've got you trembling now, eh? I'm apocalypse material now!Oh, indeed, Sir.JYou're going to strike fear and tremblin' into blades of grass everywhere.;Heelllloooo... Annnyyyybooooddddyyyyy Hooooommmmmeeeeeee...Hmmm, must be mice.;HEELLLLOOOO... ANNNYYYYBOOOODDDDYYYYY HOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE...8Looks like you just can't keep a good screen saver down. Albert! Albert, it is I - Death!Hmmm, must be those mice again. ALBERT! ALBERT! IT IS I - DEATH! Really, Sir?Nice to have you back, sir.CNow we can get rid of that little prat in the pointy hat and dress.3Well at least I've proved that I can use the voice.Right!JI've ridden the horse, got the clothes, the voice, the scythe, the moves -Nah! nah! Hold on!-Being Death isn't like delivering the papers!]No no no - I can't let you go out hacking and slaying wholesale until you've had a trial run.Start small, mister.WCollect 100 souls first, and then maybe you'll be ready to get out there and slay them.A hundred souls. Right now?Yep.One of the autobiographies from the hall of records should do.Something to laugh at.Laugh?9Those are people's life stories we're talking about here!CReal tragedies - hopes, you know, dreams, triumphs and aspirations!'How can you possibly find them amusing?0I was thinking of yours. That should be a laugh.(Just bring it here once you've found it."Let me guess - Death's handmaiden?#No, actually I'm his granddaughter.[In a universe of infinite possibilities, I suppose that hairstyle had to come up somewhere.There!)My ongoing life story! Are you satisfied?6Oh look - an autobiography with join-the-dot pictures.DThat's a catalogue of all my hopes and dreams - all my achievements!;You treat it with just a little bit of respect, young lady!*Oh look - here's your thought for the day!Ah! What does it say?Actually, the line is blank. Give it back!5Some people just don't appreciate quality literature.5Now just tell me something else you'll take in trade!"Anything but the story of my life! All right.2Go get me one of the really old biographies, then. One of those ones with pictures.4They're kept in a locked dark room somewhere inside.There!Are you satisfied?-Perfectly. This one's much better than yours.Here's the cart to play with.&Let me know when you turn up in court.I did it! See?I can ride! I can ride!43 Yippie-ki-yi-yay, sir.But I did it! See?I passed the test.Yeah, so I seeI'll laugh when I'm prising you out of that saddle, my friend.#And now - undead from Ankh-Morpork!RWelcome to the show once voted most likely to reap a harvest of thrown vegetables!5And now, the person I guess we're *all* waiting for--Herrrrrrre's DEATH!WOOO - YEAH, ALL RIGHT.OTHANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE IF SOMEWHAT STUPID.>AAH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE PEOPLE WHO ARE UPRIGHT AND BREATHING. KNOCK KNOCK Who's there?DEATH Death who? DEATH - ACK!"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU..."OH - OH YOU'VE HEARD THAT ONE, EH?&ALAS POOR DEATH - I KNEW HIM, HORATIO.A MAN OF INFINITE JEST....Well - not exactly infinite.(I DIDN'T THINK I WAS DOING TOO BADLY....EUm - maybe it's best not to quibble at this point in the proceedings.This is ridiculous!How can Death die?6THE MORE LIKE ME YOU BECAME, THE MORE MORTAL I BECAME.5SOD IT - I WAS JUST STARTING TO GET THE HANG OF THIS!'OH DEAR - I REALLY DO THINK I'M FADING.DMAYBE TAKING TIME OFF FROM MY JOB WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL.NAH WELL - I SUPPOSE IT'S IN GOOD HANDS. TA-TA! HAVE FUN BEING THE GRIM REAPER! Grim Reaper?What do you mean Grim Reaper?(WELL IF I'M GONE, THEN THE JOB'S YOURS -THROUGH ALL ETERNITY.But I can't be the grim reaper!>I get queasy just squishing caterpillars on the baby lettuces! No - stop it!+I don't want to be left holding the scythe!NOPE. I'M SLIPPING, I'M AFRAID.MY TIME IS RUNNING OUT.OI WISH I'D HAD A MOTHER, BECAUSE IF I'D HAD A MOTHER, I COULD CRY OUT 'MOTHER!' BUT I DIDN'T, SO I CAN'T. BLAST.4OTHER FAMOUS LAST WORDS ARE "DON'T POINT THAT AT ME"%AND "WHY IS THAT RED LIGHT FLASHING?"JAND "HOW DOES DIBBLER MAKE A PROFIT ON THIS STUFF AT FIVE GROATS A BOTTLE"I KNOW THEM ALL./NOW... WHICH ONE SHALL I USE. LET ME SEE NOW...GAll right - just stay there and I'll try to get you on your feet again!'Here - it's from the fountain of youth!This ought to fix you up.4COUGH COUGH! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH - IT'S GETTING DARK!7OH. BUT... BUT... BUT WAIT - HUH, OOOH - THERE'S LIGHT!THERE... NO, DOESN'T QUITE WORK, DOES IT?HOW ABOUT, ER... AHEM.OOHH, "KISS ME, RINCEWIND".NO... NO... OR..."I'LL BE BACK!",EH. NO, SORRY, I... I GUESS I WON'T BE BACK.43Oh for Offler's sake!iI suppose all water of youth is going to do to a skeleton is make him get covered in smelly bits of skin."I'M MELTING.""WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD!",Just hang in there. I'll try something else. "AUNTIE EM?""TOTO?""IS THAT YOU?"OOOOH - I'M GOING! I'M GOING....OOOOOOOH - HERE I GO.I'M STILL GOING, YOU KNOW....'Scuse me, do they have those chocolate-coated icecreams here?,The one with the little bits of nut on them?#They only had insect larva flavour.Insect larva!?!I just hope they had time to go to the lavatory first, though.Animal bladders.That's right, squire!As toys for children.Wonderful idea, eh?qLook - do you really think this is an appropriate part of an animal's offal to be touting about as a child's toy?&Well I... I suppose you're right, sir.VBut the stomach gets used for haggis, and the intestines get used for sausage skins...^Wait! Brilliant! There's one bit no one ever uses. I can get hold of a pile of them right now!/NO! Stop right there! This has gone far enough.!Bladders I can almost understand,Obut I will not allow you to run about giving children toys made out of... of...$Skulls, sir? What's wrong with that?&I could make little drums - castanets.Little money boxes....Skulls?*Sigh*&Oh good. Right - well, that's OK then.1You just go and sell some animal skulls later on.It'll have to be later, squire.PI'm still trying to shift all those animal-colon footstools I made up yesterday.Now that's free enterprise!1You see that - that's what makes this city great.A man's free to re-use the internal organs of dangerous fauna in any way he sees fit, no matter what the health department says!DI'm not sure whether they spent enough on the script for this movie.(It seems to be all just special effects!Mmmmmm? Is it intermission yet?6I was hoping for something nice and sticky on a stick.1The only thing sticky around here is this finale.Get on with it!)Hello there young man. Having a good day?(This is clearly some attempt at sarcasm.(Are you sure this is where you wanna be?&I mean - it's not exactly safe, is it.Not a bad idea, but I'd need a good reason to have her stoned.WallYes... I'm looking closer.UI think it's still a wall, but we're still waiting for the last few votes to come in.@Are you kidding? I'm not going to be the first against the wall.RopeEI used to have a chunk of rope just like that, back when I was a boy!*sigh*3It was called Sidney. Sidney the piece of string...*sigh*Vultures - noisome but nice.!I have no desire to go near them. Bone IdleNBone Idle? I'm not quite sure that I really appreciate that joke! Say no more!,Why should I free him at this point in time?)I don't think that will help me free him.43SkeletonHmmmm. A skeleton on a stick!4I think there might be marketing possibilities here! I'd better free Bone Idle first.Skeleton3"Dino", eh? Less meat on him than a chicken nugget. I'd better free Bone Idle first.Skeleton)Bing? Funny sort of name for a scarecrow. I'd better free Bone Idle first. S.T. UngulantA desert prophet. Oh lovely!]He's mad as a kite, smells like a pot of earwig stew, and just guess who gets to talk to him!What?8Give my hard earned belongings to a stark raving madman!Angus@Angus? Oh yes, of course - Angus the figment of the imagination.eYeah - I'm not quite sure that I have the mental equipment to handle this sort of thing right now....9Next you'll be having me talk to invisible white rabbits."He has no need of material things.Vultures CartwheelOne cartwheel - broken.,What it's doing out here, I just don't know.Makes a comfy seat though.It's already occupied.VultureDHmmmm - vulturis vulgaris; ninety percent beak to ten percent brain.%Um, I'd rather not if you don't mind.Vulture Nice vulture.=Lets not get too friendly, just in case it follows us home...I'm not touching him. Rotten ArmMaybe I could take a nap later - when I've finished this game.PedestalDA pedestal. Hmmmm - I've always wanted to be placed on one of these.$Hey! It already has something on it.#Lets just leave the pedestal alone.Fountain#There's lots of sand in the bottom.;The water is spurting up through a little hole in the base.QI can't hold water in my bare hands and I'd only get wet trying to get some sand.GI can't fill it with water and I'd get wet trying to fill it with sand.%That won't help me get water or sand.Sand2Sand. Well at least its honest crumbled-up silica!$Not that dead polyp stuff from XXXX!$I need something to put it in first.2It wouldn't be wise to fill the canteen with sand.That won't hold any sand.43t?Locked! Now that strikes me as being suspiciously unfriendly...Nope, can't budge it.That won't unlock the door.43Dibbler Horse Suit43HouseHmmmm - since this whole realm is actually an allegory of the collective imagination, I wonder why Death needs such a sturdy roof?/Then again, maybe it's best just to never know.Stable A stable.BWell, I hope it's stable, otherwise the horses will all fall down.GardenDeath's garden.%It's probably full of black broccoli.+Death seems like a broccoli kind of person.CornHFunny - I've never really thought of Death as a home baking kind of guy.1I'd need a scythe to make any impact on that lot.Ow! My back. My aching back.&I don't think that would cut the corn.Bee Hive.The bees are all black! How very cool of them!Hmmmm - I've heard of money pits, but this is a new one on me!@Believe me I'm tempted, who wouldn't be, the way you're playing.!I'll need to aim more accurately.43!I don't think it even has a soul./He hasn't been reaped by the Grim Squeaker yet.DotsHmmmm - Little dots.(Little dots each with six little legs...*Come on, they're almost in the next world.I'd pick them all up, but then I'd just be grasping at straws.Get it? Grasping at....,All right all right. I apologise, all right?&Now you really are grasping at straws.Rope#Aaaah Rope! Breakfast of champions!Trough/A horse trough. A trough for serving up horses.!Please, let me have some dignity.Anyway I'm not thirsty.HouseXDeath's homey little house - complete with black walls, black floors and black ceilings.On second thought, why not just look at a blank piece of wall.!It's sure to be much more scenic.#I think I'll just pass on that one.DeskMAh, Death's desk. So this is where the big life and death decisions are made.7I'll wait until I'm fully qualified before I sit there.$It would spoil the neat arrangement.InkwellBAn inkwell, and it's full of ink. The blackest ink I've ever seen.%There's not enough ink to do the job.ToyWow, an executive toy!I wonder what it does?Ledger,A ledger. All good public servants need one.I wonder what's inside.I'll just sneak a look.cLets see. The last entry is 'Fool and Chucky'. Hmmm, the last column hasn't been checked off yet...'The previous entry says 'Skazz's ants'.GWell at least they're all correct and accounted for. Poor little souls.CordLooks like a servant's cord.I wonder what this does? Hourglasses5Each of these hourglasses represents somebody's life.@Every grain of sand is a precious moment never to be recaptured.43)4Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if you added water?Yes, yes, I'm beginning to get a bit of a theme for this room.BookHWait a minute - this biography's mine! And it's been bloody remaindered! Some cheek!&Well if I can't take it, then who can?6A biography of somebody's life... still being written.2Lets see what's happening now. 'ZZZZzzzz ZZZZzzz'.!Hmmm. Must be the Archchancellor.3I'd better not fiddle. I wouldn't want to wake him.BookBook&Lets see. Whose is this? Ahhh. Albert.#Now what does it say at the moment.a'Albert sits and takes it easy, dreaming up more silly quests for the little twerp in the dress.'7Cor! Just wait until I become a real *bone-fide* Death.Then I'll deal with him.Alcove!Oooh! It's long... long and hard.Long and hard and shiny!CYou know, I don't often get to feel them in this kind of condition!8Shelves, I mean. I don't often feel shelves in the dark.(Good idea, but I'd only burn me fingers.*Good idea, but shouldn't I light it first.I'd only lose it.Are you kidding?$Who knows what's hiding in the dark?TabletsHmm. Old stone tablets.$Must from before paper was invented.$I'd better try and find a loose one.TabletgThis tablet isn't so much written in pictographs, as bad stick figure drawings describing pictographs -=meaning it's either a caveman's biography or a graphic novel.)I suppose either one should do just fine.SkullZHmmmm - he made a dreadful Death, but he might make someone a damned fine desk ornament...6I doubt that a drink of ordinary water would help him./There's no point showing him his own hourglass.$It would only depress him even more."Well, that won't restore his life.Bones9I wonder if there's any market for xylophones these days?&Nah, I'd better leave his bones alone.?At least until the men in white coats have chalked around them.HatqUgh! I'm sure that this hat must be in fashion somewhere - which is the scary aspect of the whole wretched thing.No point. It's blown to shreds.CorkANew improved "cork"; the accessory with a million household uses!Poster430Yet another poster.5Who keeps putting these things up everywhere, anyway?Anyway who is Debbie?-And what exactly did she do on the Discworld?&It's not going to be of any use to me.6What I need is something to make them love my clickie.Poster'Forest Thump'=The tender story of a troll brought up by a family of dwarfs.;Forget about the wallpaper. Concentrate on the job at hand.Calendar A calendar.|I'd take a closer look, but since it's one of Dibbler's, I don't think I want to see who this month's model is likely to be.OI have no need to know what day it is, or for that matter even what year it is.@What I need is more critical acclaim for my clickie about Death.Device3Well obviously it's a... it's a... um... a thingie!,No - wait, what's that word I'm looking for.A wossname! That's the one!*A prime left handed reticulating wossname.!I need something to splice first.,Why would I want to splice that to anything?This looks like it fits.0Good idea, but I need something to splice it to.%Now I think I'm on to something here.3What if I splice in a few shots of the Elven Queen?#Sort of *subliminal* you might say.,That should make 'em sit up and take notice. Projector$A projector. And it's mine! All mineWaaaaa ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!;And look, it's operated by a crank... no jokes, purlease...#I'll need to rewind the reel first.I doubt that needs projecting.ReelA clickie reel.,For keeping my precious film nice and fresh.CansCans full of old clickies.0I suppose it helps to keep the nutrition intact.Nothing useful here.Cans+An assortment of old clickie documentaries.#Ahhh. The marvels of ants and bees.&They're probably crumbled away by now.CansTCans full of the sort of film you permanently weld shut inside a big tin can. Savvy?4I wouldn't touch that stuff without welder's gloves.436.I can't just steal a bunch of pixels you know.1Anyway, at this resolution they're just to heavy!Crowd;Look at that lot; like a school of guppies at feeding time.BI get confused talking to anybody in this game, let alone a crowd.Granny4Now, Granny isn't the sort who suffers fools gladly.4As a suffering fool myself, I'll go along with that.Take that thing away young man.Broom Aha! A broom.tI've heard of the theory behind them, of course - but there's usually by-laws against apprentice wizards using them.0Leave that alone. It's not for the likes of you..I don't think I could swap that for the broom.:Now we're cooking. I've always wanted to try one of these.Raven Pretty Polly!2I'd best leave it alone. Granny might get jealous.#Throwing that wouldn't help at all. Death Of Rats:The Death of Rats: now appearing at a plague pit near you!I'm sick of talking to him.That would be cruel.My old mate Dibbler.ZIt is my ultimate aim to convince him to sell himself off to the army for target practice.*He'd only put it inside a bun and sell it.WindleUndead, but still trying.#He'd only want to take it with him.TowerA-ooooooo--gah!Sorry, got carried away again.BI do hope the little fellow's okay up there. I'll rescue him soon.I can't just climb up the wall. That won't help me get up there.NYes it is still I, and I have survived all the way through to the final scene. Despite your attrocious playing.7Even in the last scene.. You just can't resist can you?BWhat do you want me to do with that - fly away on it or something?43l<QWhere water meets land... although in this case it's hard to tell which is which.Ship)Looks like the only way out of this town.Ah. The Shades, I know it well.rAn area where curiosity not only kills the cat, but also weighs it down with bricks and tosses it in to the river.!A sort of rest home for the dead.Unseen University5The home of the mightiest wizards on the Discworld...And of course me! Fools' Guild(Used to be one of the more jolly Guilds.&Now look at it, just a pile of rubble.9The focal part of town. Where the new clickie theatre is.Shop.Funny, I'd swear this shop wasn't here before. Ankh-MorporkEThe greatest city on the Discworld. All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork...#Or was that away from Ankh-Morpork? Holy WoodIA place where false dreams come true or at least can be put on celluloid.*Aha. XXXX. A land of surf, sand and flies. DjelibeybiDjelibeybi - good name.1I wonder if it describes the place or the people.Pyramid/Tall and pointy. What possible use can they be?)I can't just walk there through the sand. CartwheelDThere's not really much you can say about a cartwheel in the desert.Oasis0I sure hope it's not one of those mirage things.Hill*Obviously where the undesirables hang out.Fountain Of Youth4It'll sure make a change from bottled mineral water. BonestockA folk festival for Death?"What ever will they think of next?Forest!The gateway to the elven kingdom.43<ShadesDocksCemeteryPlaza43=Alcove43 FKey?A key to Death's door? Hmmmm... Shouldn't it be a skeleton key! Feels like an average key to me.A key can't open that.Bladders$Animal bladders. Empty and deflated.I'm not blowing into those.#I can't put that into the bladders.Bladders"Animal bladders filled with water.!We could be on to something here.#Wow. All smooth, round and sploshy. Nah, it would probably burst it.Bandages1Cloth Bandages. My mummy gave them to me. Honest!9I'd wrap myself up if only there were enough to go round.*Cor, that's nice. One bandaged wooden arm.&Wrapping that up won't really help me. Boomerang-A boomerang attached to a long piece of rope.QAppears like overkill really. This thing always came back without using the rope.'Tying that to the other end won't help.BeeswaxFinest beeswax.7Well, maybe not 'finest' - it's usable beeswax, anyway. Strange texture, very malleable.$Waxing that wouldn't do it any good.BeeswaxSinister black beeswax.jMmmmmmmm - I'm not exactly sure that it's a commercially viable product, but still, it's very atmospheric.!Very malleable... and very black.3Perhaps something a little finer would work better.'Mixing that with the wax won't help me.Dribbly BeeswaxNAh! Dribbly beeswax. Makes up in "free spirit" for what it lacks in stability.0Similar texture to the real thing. Just runnier.MFor all the good that waxing it would do, I might as well spit on it instead.BellowsTBellows. Strangely soothing to operate, but I don't know if they'll ever catch on... That doesn't need any air added.Stick A kind of bent stick-type thing.4These things should come with an instruction manual!I'll get rid of this thing yet.1You know, I think I've seen this in the clickies.That won't help at all. Boomerang&A boomerang covered in that SFX paint.I'd better not touch it.)I don't want any of the paint to rub off.Brick3A housebrick. Hmmmm. Nice heft - good aerodynamics.PThere's nothing quite like a good, solid brick to bring out the artist in a man!1Basically it feels just like a brick should feel."That doesn't go well with a brick. Haunted Brick6A brick haunted by my old pals Chuckie and the Jester.#Yuk! They feel all cold and slimey.=I think they're happy enough haunting the brick without that.Brochure)A brochure about do-it-yourself clickies.43O-Hmmm. Be a clickie director in 10 easy steps.,Make a clickie about your favourite subject.!Dibbler Direct will show you how.0I think the brochure is self explanatory really.CameraWell it does fit, but perhaps if there were something in it....I might catch a horse, but that'd be about it.=Should I ever need to catch a vampire cat I'll give it a try.)Even Dibbler sells better bait than that. Fishing Rod&A fishing rod baited with black honey.>I sure hope you don't expect me to go fishing for black bears!#Let's just get on with it shall we.7Fishing around with that won't produce much of a catch. Genie BottleAn empty genie bottle!NThree wishes and whoosh, he's off into retirement, what kind of a job is that?*Actually that sounds like a very good job!3No. It's empty... and I certainly can't fit inside.There we go. A nice snug fit.That won't fit in the bottle. Genie Bottle.A pair of Imp's Boots inside the genie bottle.5It's not quite as impressive as a little ship, is it?6Now that the boots are in there, I can't get them out.#There's already something in there. Vile Smell'A foul smell trapped in a genie bottle.-Guaranteed to not grant you any wishes, phew!I'm not touching it.The smell wouldn't want that. Glitter DustGlitter dust, eh?,Well I'm sure this will come in very useful.Oooh! That feels good.You can't just throw money at something and expect it to work. Mousie!!!VMousie! I will hold him and cuddle him and name him George - or something like that...COuch! Hey he bit me! Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around.2I'll need this after I've got some blood from him.!That won't help me get any blood.RagFYuk. This has to be the greasiest and oiliest rag that I've ever seen.Ergh! It's all oily.,This rag couldn't be used to clean anything.WeightA one ton weight.,Or, to put it another way, a one ton weight.'Remarkable. It doesn't feel that heavy.*There we go. We now have a ten ton weight.That won't make it any heavier. PetticoatIA Petticoat. Such thin and delicate material, I can see clear through it!=Perhaps when we've finished the game. Then I might try it on.*Petticoats work better with people really. Picnic BasketdA picnic basket? Top ho! I'll go find the infamous five, and we'll go off and have a real adventure!Feels empty to me.S'not really food, is it? Picnic Basket"A hamper filled with scrummy food.#I've got no right to eat the props.Sorry, it's already full. Ant SoulsA pot full of ant souls.;There must be at least one hundred of the little blighters.5Spooky. Even the souls of ants still feel all creepy.EI think these little souls are past caring about something like that. Sugar Pot(Formerly full of sugar, currently empty.Completely empty I'm afraid.&Nah, probably wouldn't fit in the pot. Honey Pot43h}6A pot of evil black honey. As made by evil black bees.Thick and sticky.&Eurgh, I hate to know what I'll catch.#Coating that with honey won't help.Glue0Embalming glue. Guaranteed for a thousand years.,If it doesn't, you can go back and complain.7If I played with that I'd only stick my hands together.One sticky hooter.*That would make it hard to get in and out.Now I won't fall off so easily.)There's no point in putting glue on that.PyramidA scale model pyramid..Perfect for keeping scale model mummies fresh!,I haven't time to sit under it and meditate.Good idea. I might try that.Hey! It looks older!Plans%Plans on how to make a model pyramid.JUseful stuff if you ever need to start a business sharpening razor blades!4Good idea, but they'd need to be straightened first.3What? Do you want me to make a pyramid out of that?Reaper$My special patented reaping machine.#It feels like it should do the job.No point reaping that.RingRA ring. Ah-ha! And still drifting with the mystic eastern scent of plague victims.(Smooth and round. Nothing unusual there.The ring wouldn't fit on that.Robe9A black robe. De rigeur for your actual spectre of death.$Feels a bit wet and sticky actually.II think we know what the robe's for. Let's not beat around the bush here.RoosterOne rooster, totally plastered.That won't sober him up.RoosterOne rooster, cold turkey sober.8Nah, lets leave him alone. He's already suffered enough.RopeA length of rope. Sort of like string on steroids!(Yippee! Let's tie ourselves up shall we.7This rope is too short to be of use with the boomerang.RopeA very long length of rope.1Just like a short rope, only - you know - longer.2I'd only end up tangled up... that rope's so long.1You know, I think I've seen this in the clickies.2Tying the rope to that won't make anything useful. Rotten Arm A rotten arm.wMaybe we can start up some sort of trust fund, or a charity - you know, donate excess body parts to them what need 'em.0Arms for the poor? It might just work, you know!!Nope, nothing else of value left.Just rotten meat and bandages.$I had enough trouble getting it off.4Please let's leave the arm alone for the time being. Rotten Arm2A rotten arm. Oooh, and with a ring on one finger!"Well at least he went in style....43̇$That won't help me get the ring off.SawOh no! Not that old saw!Ouch! Those teeth are sharp."Sawing that in half wouldn't help.ScissorsA pair of Scissors.CActually, I'm not usually allowed to use the ones with pointy ends.%I've just trimmed my nails thank you.I'm afraid I can't cut that.Scythe@Ooooh! A scythe! The right tool for the right job, I always say.Now let's go chop some wood.8Ouch! I s'pose it has to be sharp if it is to cut souls./I think I can wedge the scythe in at the front.;Don't you think I'd better show the scythe to Albert first?(Reaping that won't advance the plot any. Burning RagWow. Talk about smoke.Nah, it's hot.Smoking that won't work. Snow Storms:Oooooh, pretty! Little glass snow scenes of the Discworld.Pretty. Oh how pretty.+I don't think it would fit in a snow storm.StakejA stake. It might be better if it were lovingly wrapped in bacon, lightly fried, then brushed with sauce -?but food doesn't seem to feature largely in my life these days.$Long and sharp. What more can I say?0Nah, I doubt that I could plant a stake in that.StringA piece of string.+One of the building blocks of our universe.&Just feels like ordinary string to me.Now we're cooking!9Tying that up won't do me much good... even if it is fun. Stuffed FishA stuffed fish?bWell you'd be stuffed too if you'd had your innards replaced with old wool bits and cotton scraps.4I'd better not poke it to hard. It might burst. Yuk!2Even if the fish were alive, it wouldn't eat that.FlamingoA stuffed pink flamingo.BActually, they say flamingos turn pink due to eating pink shrimps.0Since shrimps only go pink after they're boiled,_I think the reason for our friend birdie's demise is starting to become more and more apparent.0What can I say. It's well... stuffed, I suppose.&It's already stuffed to near bursting. Suffrajester9The suffrajester, still in there and protesting like mad!FI wonder how it feels to be swallowed by an ambulatory pearwood trunk?USeems to have helped clear up her complexion, actually. I might give it a try myself!"It's bad enough poking fun at her.CThe woman is tied to a stake. What could she possibly do with that?Sugar:A bowl of sugar cubes. Well - they're cube shaped, anyway.2I can't however recommend trying them in your tea. They even feel like sugar cubes.ENah, I doubt whether sugar cubes would make good bait for anything...*Well other than horses and game reviewers.!The sugar won't sweeten that any. SurfboardSurf's up! Kowabunga dudes!8I have no idea what that means, but it sounds right! Yo!,Feels long and smooth. Just needs water now.5Okay now we're cooking. Let's see me fall off it now!434,That won't help me stay on the board longer.Toy Cart A toy cart!CNow all we need are some teeny weeny oxen, some teeny weeny people,+and we can start a teeny weeny wagon train!?Feels just like a cart, but maybe I could make something of it.)I think I can wedge this in at the front.;Don't you think I'd better show the scythe to Albert first?$Putting that in the cart won't help.TankardTsk aaaah! A tankard of ale.TWell - sort of ale, anyway, if you forgive the busy little creatures swimming in it.!Oh look! Some of them are waving.`No, I refuse to drink any alcohol in this game. Getting through the introduction was bad enough.Alcohol soaked corn.-This should give something a decent hangover..Soaking that in alcohol won't help in any way.Sticker$A sticker with the number ten on it.>A million household uses, no doubt. Just have to wait and see!@I doubt that sticking that on myself would make me a perfect 10.*There we go. We now have a ten ton weight.0I doubt that sticking a '10' on that would help.Ten Ton WeightA ten ton weight.)Well, we can claim it's a ten ton weight.;Don't worry too much about the physics. It's only a game...,Funny, it doesn't actually feel any heavier.-I think it's already heavy enough, don't you? Test tubeA graduated measuring device.;Putting my finger in the test-tube doesn't accomplish much.Measuring that won't work. Test tube+A test-tube containing 4ccs of mouse blood.6I'm not touching that. You never know where it's been.:Pouring the blood over that won't help me solve this game.Key.The key to a trailer. Hmmmm! Lavender scented!Feels just like a key to me.&What? Does it look like a door to you? Unicorn SuitMy very own unicorn suit.)A bit too big for just me to wear though!Yep. To big for me alone.Hey, he took the front end!:I don't think I'd like to share my unicorn suit with that.MouseHmmm. An undead mouse.4No way. He might bite me and turn me into a vampire.I think he's past caring.Teeth All the better to bite you with.Ouch! They're sharp.I'm not biting into that.Teeth?A set of vampire false teeth - recently used by the look of it.#Feels more like blood than ketchup.$That won't help me measure out 4ccs. Wading Bird!One slightly stunned wading bird.7Not surprising, the way it dived 'onto' the river Ankh.KNice soft down. Better than what's in my mattress - whatever that might be.It's too stunned to eat that.Broom43Й"Your typical flying witch's broom.,Looks like it's past its 1000 mile warranty.$Wood and straw. What more can I say?2This broom's for riding and lets leave it at that. Wooden Arm A wooden arm.%Doesn't look very life-like, does it?#Feels hard... and wooden I suppose.%That's nice. One bandaged wooden arm.'It's not in any condition to hold that.Bandaged Wooden ArmHmmm - a bandaged wooden arm.$I'm not sure that it will ever heal.#Don't poke at it. It'll never heal.YSince you've created the damn thing I'd have thought you'd have known what to do with it.Bunny7How cute. A little bunny rabbit for putting pyjamas in.I wonder what's inside.Leave the bunny alone.Bunny0A cute little bunny rabbit - minus the stuffing.Empty I'm afraid.)The bunny rabbit isn't made to hold that.PyjamasA nice lacey nightgown.Feels like lace to me.6I doubt that it would look good wearing the nightgown.KnifeA sharp cutting blade.Ouch! Yep it's sharp.Cutting that won't help me. SurfboardTSurf's up! Kowabunga dudes! I have no idea what that means, but it sounds right! Yo!That's better. Long and sticky.$No point sticking that to the board.Hooter/A clown's hooter... with glue all over the end.There we go. One unicorn suit.#I'd better not stick it on to that. Unicorn Suit9My very own unicorn suit. And it already has a front end!(Try taking it out and clicking it on me.)I feel strangely confined in this window.FI think we know by now just who is going to be the unicorn's rear end.PickMmmmm! A pick!8Find me something to use it on and I might surprise you.1I'm afraid that doesn't go very well with a pick. Picnic Basket8A hamper filled with scrummy food. Topped with ants too!@Sure the ants would like it, but it'd just create a sticky mess.No more room I'm afraid.Film$Left over film of the elf Queen, eh?Still some good footage here.6There's got to be a better use for the film than that.Reel'This reel contains my very own clickie.?With the odd shot of the Elf Queen spliced in for good measure.)Are you kidding? The glamour may rub off.It's already a masterpiece.Book3My life biography. Big print version. Easy to read.>Hmmm. Worth a peek. Maybe it'll tell me what's happening next.43U"Rincewind sneaks a peek into his life book expecting to read what'll happen next..."GFor something to get into my life book I must experience it first hand.MirrorOuch! That's hot.!That would just break the mirror.Answer"The answer to the question 'why?'.:Feels like a little card with strange holes punched in it.oLets just take this answer to where it's meant to go... and stop trying to fool around with the game, shall we? For a good conversation starter.